The good news is, I spoke to our realtor, and she says that prices have sky-rocketed in our area, so we'll definitely make a bit of money when we sell the house. And it should sell quickly. This is a big relief to me; I was terrified that we mightn't even get what we put in back, selling it so quickly.

Despite this good news, though, I am feeling tense and anxious and feeling very frustrated with Bobby. He's being ... I don't know. Apathetic. Disengaged. He hates work, he wants to quit, he's adamant that things aren't going to improve and that he wants to leave as soon as possible, this whole thing is his idea ... yet he also doesn't want to actually start the process and set things into motion. He doesn't even want to tell the kids yet, which seems insane to me; I'm sure they must know that something's in the air.

I think that the problem is that, although we have decided - or say we have decided - to move to the UK, neither of us feels excited about the concept. We just think, dreary weather, pokey flat, scary cost of living, what about the schools ... It all seems daunting and rather depressing. When we came here, it was a big adventure, we were thrilled at the opportunity. We don't seem to have any of that feeling this time around. This move seems all about stress and hard work.

Whereas going back to South Africa, well, if we went back there, we'd know what we were doing, it'd be easy.

So why don't we just go back there? It's a beautiful country. The mountains, the sea ...

And living there, we'd have far more chance of pulling off a business idea that we've been mulling over for the past year or so.

But ... My parents are the big pull to the UK for me. They were so thrilled when this idea first came up; I don't know if I could bear to tell them that it's all off. That's the biggest factor for me. Don't know about Bobby ... Maybe that is why he's being so wishy-washy, because he knows the kids and I are all very happy here, and feels bad for disrupting the family, so he's trying to make me happy by going to the UK when he'd really like to go to SA.

But then, if we move back to South Africa, there's the crime thing. That's an issue for both of us. Funny thing is, we never worried about all that stuff while we were in South Africa. I mean, the place I used to teach part-time after Soph was born was extremely dodgy; it was a small NGO on the concourse of the station and, well, it was a high-risk area. But I went there, twice a week, no problem.

But now ... would I do that these days? I don't know.

I have got used to living without bars on the windows, to not bothering to lock the door, to not having a security gate on said door, to driving with my windows open no matter where I am in town, to not jumping when I hear an odd noise in the middle of the night ... I have not acclimatised to the extent where I leave my car running while I run into the shop, as our neighbours do, mind you. I don't think any South African ever would. But I do feel safe here. And Bobby feels the same way.

It's as though while we were in South Africa, we were used to a certain level of background stress, and it didn't worry us. We didn't even notice that it was there. But having lived without it for four years now, it'd be hard to re-adapt.

I guess we would, though.

Yesterday we both felt so sure and certain of our course of action. Today we both have cold feet. I wish I knew exactly where we should go and what we should do.

We are going camping this weekend, which will be nice, in a denial-mode sort of way. The kids have a climbing competition up in Gainesville (about two and a half hours north of here), so we will be spending Friday and Saturday night here, camping in one of their wilderness sites.