I'm a wreck. A frazzled headachy tired distraught wreck.

We had the endo. appointment this morning. 10.30, it was supposed to be. I got there at 10.15, to find that they had no record of our appointment. Thank God I had the little reminder card they gave me when we scheduled the appointment two weeks ago. Because, since we had hard evidence that it was their screw-up and not mine, they very graciously "fitted us in". Which meant that we sat around till the doctor eventually walked into the examining room at 12.10.

Oh, and while Ems was being weighed and measured and all that (between the waiting in the common waiting area and the waiting in the doctor's room) I asked about the results from the stim test she had on the 31st - the one which hadn't made it to the endo's computer last time we spoke. Much tapping of computer keys, worried looks and frowning because "hmmm, we don't have any record of those tests".

They eventually tracked them down - they'd been sent to the hospital instead of to the consulting rooms, apparently. Good grief. Such efficiency!

So, just after midday, when we finally saw the doctor, she scanned the test results and said that Ems' cortisol levels are actually okay, but that the second stim. test did indeed, like the first one, show that she's growth hormone deficient. Said that she'd go ahead and order the growth hormone, and that it normally takes about a month to get it all organised. We were about to go, when she suddenly said : oh, did we discuss Emily's MRI results? Okay, now this is the woman who's just asked five minutes before whether we'd had an MRI done. So I said, yes, last month you told us that she had a small pituitary. She said - actually, the MRI results indicate a possible cyst, so we need to get that checked out by a neurologist before we go ahead with the growth hormone. Don't worry, it's probably nothing serious, but we need to check it out, just in case. It may take a while to get an appointment with the neurologist, so I should try to get going with scheduling the appointment as soon as I can.

So, I asked why she didn't mention this before, so we could have got the neurologist's appointment out of the way and get going with the treatment. She says : oh, I don't like to do this on the phone - even though I'm sure it's nothing, parents hear "cyst" and think "tumour".

Then she went on to imply that I'm being too impatient; very patronisingly explained that this is a process and it takes time etc, that we wouldn't want to cut corners and rush. Well, excuse me, she is the one who put the fear of God into me back in February - told me that we needed to move as quickly as possible, because the window of opportunity for treatment is small, and narrowing all the time as Emily approaches puberty ... So I felt simultaneously enraged and guilty. Not a comfortable feeling.

I am proud of myself, though, for being able to explain, calmly and reasonably articulately, why I was frustrated with the slowness of the process thus far, and detail the communication problems we've experienced. Maybe I'm growing up, if I'm finally able to criticise people without getting either teary or shrill.

The doctor was unrepentant, though ... her attitude was sort of "I'm sorry you think I did something wrong" rather than "I'm sorry I did something wrong."

And you know, with hindsight, I am pretty sure that the first time she ever noticed that sentence in the MRI report was right then, when we were in her office. After all, she'd mentioned the findings to me in person before, during Emily's first stim. test ... Wish I'd been on the ball enough to point that out to her this morning.

So anyway, she went on to say that she'd write to our primary care doctor, but that I needed to phone him this afternoon so that I can get a referral to a neurologist asap. Apparently, I need to get a copy of the MRI pictures from the hospital, take them to the neurologist's appointment, and then return said copies to the hospital. Then I should make another appointment with the endo., in two month's time, and we'll start Emily on the growth hormone. Oh, and by the way, she's moving to Fort Lauderdale at the end of June. Did we want to stay with her - which would be great - or should she set us up with someone else? Hmmm, let's see. A three hour trip each way to see an un-fucking-believably disorganised doctor every couple of months? I don't think so.

So, I scheduled our final appointment with this particular endo : the only one they could give me was June 28. June 29 is her last day with the practice. I'm sure she'll be ever so focused on us and our problems, the day before she leaves forever, right?

Dropped Ems back at school - she was practically melting down because she was terrified she'd be too late for her kickball game (in the event, she was in time for it, I'm glad to say)- and then, when I got home, I called our family doctor to try to schedule the neurologist appointment. Only, his office is closed on Friday afternoons. Kind of in keeping with the spirit of the rest of the day.

And then I set Sophie up with an activity, locked myself in the bathroom and cried. I just can't do this. I can't cope with all the insurance stress, the doctor stress, and the small but real possibility that this cyst really is something scary ... after all, just a couple of months back, the endo. was assuring us that Emily was almost certainly not actually growth-hormone deficient at all. Maybe these reassurances are similarly hollow. Frankly, I'm scared to the bone, and I don't know if I'm going to be organised enough to deal with this whole huge mess.