Last night was one of my book group meetings. This book group is made up of moms who I know from volunteering at Emily's school. Almost all of them also attend a huge Catholic congregation in the neighbourhood. So there are big religious difference between me and them. And I'm much more left-leaning than most of these women. However, those differences don't seem to matter much, because we don't discuss politics, or religion either, for the most part. In the past year or so, I've grown to enjoy this group of women very much. It's lovely to sit back, have a glass of wine, and chat. The discussion of the book inevitably meanders into discussion of men, children and life in general - it's a nice opportunity to hang out with other women and - well, just talk about "girl" things.

However, I was fairly disquieted by the end of yesterday's meeting. A small group of us were saying goodbye at the front door, and the conversation turned (why, I don't know, since it's only March) to the question of who would host December's meeting. One of my friends said something to the effect of "Well, just as long as it's not M." M being a member of the book group who wasn't there that night - also a member of their church, and the person who hosted last December's meeting. I must have looked confused, because she turned to me and asked "Wasn't that Christmas meeting shocking? I was so angry about it!"

Well. I tried to remember the meeting ... couldn't think of anything too horrendous that had happened, so I just looked inquiring. The conversation carried on, and it became clear what had upset everyone (except me, apparently) so much. It was the fact that this woman's kitchen had been a big mess, and people felt that she hadn't been dressed appropriately. Now, yes, I too had noticed that her kitchen was something of a disaster area. There were groceries not put away, there was mess from cooking preparation - it was fairly chaotic. And it was distinctly grubby. And she didn't look wonderful at the meeting - sweats, old tatty t-shirt and no bra. But I wasn't in the least bit offended by that! I didn't take it as a personal insult, or obnoxious behaviour - I just thought - huh, she's frazzled, she hasn't had a chance to clean up. Poor thing. But I now discover that everyone else was utterly revolted by the mess, and outraged that she'd allowed it to to happen.

So now I'm unnerved. Obviously, she transgressed The Code, and now she's paying for it. But thing is, I didn't know that The Code existed. So how many times do I do things that appall or upset or outrage people? I feel quite uncomfortable now, wondering about how I may have inadvertently offended people. Because if there's a Code I didn't know about that applies to book-group-hosting demeanour, there's probably one for every other area of social interaction too.

And I'm also annoyed at myself for caring. I personally do not ever judge people on their appearance, or their possessions, or their housekeeping skills. Those things don't matter in the least bit to me. I think such judgments are petty and obnoxious. So I should feel secure enough to just dismiss people who make them. But clearly, I don't.

I'm glad Bobby and I have another whole group of friends who feel the same way we do. At least, about those things. Who knows, maybe they subscribe to countless other Codes that we don't know about, and we just blunder along, offending people left right and centre and they're jus too polite to let on.